It's a good thing I spent a little time after Lisa got here to pick up our construction mess.
Dad arrived Wednesday morning. We basically spent the day hanging out waiting for Tia to arrive. Which we did-later. Poor dad can hardly move. His hips are completely gone and because of other health issues, cannot have replacement surgery.
Thursday we all went to the beach and had a great time. The water was very churning and cold, but swim we did. Dad got tumbled by a wave and all Tia saw of him was first the bottoms of his feet, next butt and then shoulders and head. He came up smiling and saying now he knew how clothes in a washing machine feel.
We kept out of the rest of the families way, since dad and Gram are not close. In fact, dad and the rest of his family are not close. Just a whole lot of resentment and pride.
We went out to dinner to our favorite Chinese restaurant. We had Beijing duck, our favorite and some other favorites. It was great and a whole lot of fun.
Lisa and Tia slept in the same room. We got a double height air mattress for dad and he slept in my sewing room.
At night I couldn't sleep so I started baking and making a treasure chest cake as promised for my cousin Adams daughter Paloma. She turned 4 on Saturday. The cutest little girl!
To Friday finally. We drove down to San Marcos and met Adam at the Mortuary. He looked handsome in his suit. The rest of the family arrived shortly and we all stood in the parking lot and talked. Adam met dad for the first time and Tia met Uncle Frank and Linda for the first time. Tia and Adam are both in their 30's.
Extended family was not invited. Hope does not like a large group, even at her wedding it was a very limited party. She and mom do not get along. She is very choosing about who she likes to be part of things and so even Adams wife Lexi and mother were not invited. (This is such a difficult thing to deal with as I am so much the reverse of this. I want everyone to come.)
In attendance of the funeral were: Hope, Aunt Jane and Don, Uncle Frank and Linda, Cousin Adam, my Dad, Tia, Lisa, JohnE, and myself.
As we came in the organ was playing. It was such a morbid and ooky organ tone I almost started laughing. It sounded like something on a scary movie. But as I sat I started to feel really sad. Everyone was crying. The preacher man Eric, who was the chaplain at Andy's passing was the speaker. He gave some simple prayers and then Frank gave the eulogy. Frank also spoke about Gramp's love of food and cooking, about how he gave so freely of himself. Adam spoke about the time that he went across the country with "grump and dump." Dad said his father's eulogy and told some wartime stories about gramp. Gram looked at her watch and made a comment that it didn't happen. (Gram called tonight and thanked me again for all I did. She asked about dad liking to be here, and said that she really enjoyed what dad said. "wasn't that neat?" I told her I could just hear the bedtime stories in those words. She said that it all "must be true.")He also read the poem that starts "pappy mine pappy," to which there was not a dry eye in the house.
I spoke and am not entirely sure what I said. It all kind of tumbled out. I know I said that a lot of prayers were answered by Lisa and my being there at the time of gramps passing. I also talked about coming to visit and ordering pizza and gramp eating 3 pieces. And how when I was 15 he would get up early to pick oranges, and make orange juice for us. Then Eric stood again and closed the service.
We all went to lunch in the neville room at the chateau. Dad sat next to gram and Frank. It was the first time dad and Frank had seen each other in almost 40 years. All in all, things went very smoothly.
Saturday, JE and I took dad to the airport rather early in the morning. Later we all went to Paloma's party. It was so much fun and such a nice park. It was so fun to be there. Adam and Lexi have such nice friends and are such good people themselves. We are lucky to live so close and to have crossed that bridge into friendship.
Later we drove Lisa and Tia to the airport.
JohnE and I went to bed almost immediately and didn't get up until 1 in the afternoon. I am still so tired. It has been quite a roller-coaster.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Monday, September 04, 2006
Gramp
So I woke up this morning after not being able to sleep very well. I had my grandparents on my mind all night long. I just really felt that I needed to go visit. So I asked Lisa if she would mind going down with me. We were just trying to decide if we should call Gram when she called us. We asked if we could come down and she said she would work on getting us in for the chateau Labor Day Picnic. We went and had a great time at the picnic.
When we got back to the room, Andy was on the john and couldn't get up. I don't know if he was ever even conscious while we were there. Hope tried calling everywhere looking for some one to help move him onto the bed. While she was doing that, Lisa and I went in and kept him company. We got him a blanket and covered him and rubbed his back. He was moving his jaw everytime we talked with him and I heard the rasp of his breathing every once in a while. We just kept talking to him. All the while the look in his eyes was just retreating. He was getting further and further away. Hope called the non emergency number for the fire department. I turned to Lisa and said "he's Dying, right here, we can't wait for them." So Lisa and I pick him up and moved him to the bed. We hurriedly arranged him and got him dressed. I closed his eyes and jaw. Hope brought in a clean sheet we put it over him and helped him look a little more dignified. In Honesty I think he died somewhere around the time that we wer moving him. When the firemen came they tried for a while to revive him. Hope was adamant that she had a DNR, but the one she had on her fridge for him wasn't legally binding somehow. So he was innovated for about half an hour. We were all in the livingroom while they worked on gramp in the bedroom. At one point, Gram started to cry, but she is so stoic she said, "there will be lots of time for tears later, right now there are things we need to do."
So, the chaplain came and announced that gramp had passed. He explained that since he had passed at home, he would have to stay there until the coroner came, and then the funeral home could pick him up later. No definite timeline since today was a holiday. We prayed together. Lisa had gone to the health center to find the authentic DNR form. Gram and I talked together a bit while the chaplain went to speak to the paramedics who had arrived with a gurney. As we talked the chaplain came in and said, "Mrs H. There has been a change." Andy's heart had started beating after they had stopped resuscitating him. So they swooshed him off to the hospital and Lisa rode in the ambulance.
I helped Gram collect the things she needed to take to the hospital. I also made the bed, and just kind of did some general straightening things in an attempt to make the room seam just a little less empty. Not much you can do for that.
So I drove to the hospital, Gram led the way. We got there and were escorted back to the internal waiting area where they told us that Gramp was announced dead.
The social worker came in and gram astounded her with her poise and organization. The entire Funeral was organized. All the papers were in order and gram wanted the people who needed to be phoned called right away.
When we got back to the condo, Gram and I sat talking for a few minutes. She really wanted Lisa to stay with her for the night. Lisa is such an easy traveler all she needed was a pair of earplugs.
Nothing seams real yet. I closed his eyes. I heard his last breath, I flushed the toilet for him. Why is this not real???
All I can think to say is that I am so glad I went today to visit my Grandmother and my Grandfather. I am so honored to have been at his passing. I walked on hallowed ground today, with barefeet.
When we got back to the room, Andy was on the john and couldn't get up. I don't know if he was ever even conscious while we were there. Hope tried calling everywhere looking for some one to help move him onto the bed. While she was doing that, Lisa and I went in and kept him company. We got him a blanket and covered him and rubbed his back. He was moving his jaw everytime we talked with him and I heard the rasp of his breathing every once in a while. We just kept talking to him. All the while the look in his eyes was just retreating. He was getting further and further away. Hope called the non emergency number for the fire department. I turned to Lisa and said "he's Dying, right here, we can't wait for them." So Lisa and I pick him up and moved him to the bed. We hurriedly arranged him and got him dressed. I closed his eyes and jaw. Hope brought in a clean sheet we put it over him and helped him look a little more dignified. In Honesty I think he died somewhere around the time that we wer moving him. When the firemen came they tried for a while to revive him. Hope was adamant that she had a DNR, but the one she had on her fridge for him wasn't legally binding somehow. So he was innovated for about half an hour. We were all in the livingroom while they worked on gramp in the bedroom. At one point, Gram started to cry, but she is so stoic she said, "there will be lots of time for tears later, right now there are things we need to do."
So, the chaplain came and announced that gramp had passed. He explained that since he had passed at home, he would have to stay there until the coroner came, and then the funeral home could pick him up later. No definite timeline since today was a holiday. We prayed together. Lisa had gone to the health center to find the authentic DNR form. Gram and I talked together a bit while the chaplain went to speak to the paramedics who had arrived with a gurney. As we talked the chaplain came in and said, "Mrs H. There has been a change." Andy's heart had started beating after they had stopped resuscitating him. So they swooshed him off to the hospital and Lisa rode in the ambulance.
I helped Gram collect the things she needed to take to the hospital. I also made the bed, and just kind of did some general straightening things in an attempt to make the room seam just a little less empty. Not much you can do for that.
So I drove to the hospital, Gram led the way. We got there and were escorted back to the internal waiting area where they told us that Gramp was announced dead.
The social worker came in and gram astounded her with her poise and organization. The entire Funeral was organized. All the papers were in order and gram wanted the people who needed to be phoned called right away.
When we got back to the condo, Gram and I sat talking for a few minutes. She really wanted Lisa to stay with her for the night. Lisa is such an easy traveler all she needed was a pair of earplugs.
Nothing seams real yet. I closed his eyes. I heard his last breath, I flushed the toilet for him. Why is this not real???
All I can think to say is that I am so glad I went today to visit my Grandmother and my Grandfather. I am so honored to have been at his passing. I walked on hallowed ground today, with barefeet.
Monday we went on a picnic with the D.s We went down to Laguna Beach and had fun eating together, talking laughing and learning. I learned that
Yesterday, Sunday we went to brunch with Gram. When we got there she seamed almost her usual pleasant self. But after greeting us all and sitting us down she started talking about Gramp and how he gets out of bed and falls out of bed. She had to call the fire department last week to help get him back into bed.
We went to downstairs to brunch and had a great time. Gram is artful at deflecting the how are you's with pointedly asking about the other person. She holds herself together for others by talking about others.
After brunch we went back upstairs and gram said she would just check on gramp. She opened up the double door leading to the master bedroom and saw the bathroom light on. "He's been up" so she opened the bedroom door. The look on her face was hopeless. I asked if he was alright, she said no. I went in to find gramp laying flat on his back, his feet and legs sticking 2' off the end of the bed with his mouth gaping. I thought he had passed on. I went to him and rubbed his arm, it was warm, "hi Gramp, how are you?" He blinked awake and recognized me. "Oh hi, Good to see you," he said. JohnE and Lisa came in, Gram followed. She leaned on the end of the bed and began to cry. She had thought he was dead, too. The three grandkids moved gramp up to a better place in the bed, and gram wanted to let gramp sleep. We all went out, except Lisa who visited and talked with gramp for a while. He recognized her.
We spoke to gram about Adam, our cousin. She was truly fascinated to learn about what he was doing, what we talked about etc. Later she told us that a day or so after the party, gramp woke up and he was completely different. He is usually very non talkative , but he woke up and just started talking for a day and a night he relived memories. As Gram was telling us some of the things he said, she was bawling her eyes out. After his day and night of talking, he now just sleeps, and has a very hard time moving around.
What do I do? I have never had to deal so closely with this sort of thing before. I'm wondering if I should skip work and just go get a hotel room close by. I want to be there for gram. Perhaps until she can get hospice in to help her.
Yesterday, Sunday we went to brunch with Gram. When we got there she seamed almost her usual pleasant self. But after greeting us all and sitting us down she started talking about Gramp and how he gets out of bed and falls out of bed. She had to call the fire department last week to help get him back into bed.
We went to downstairs to brunch and had a great time. Gram is artful at deflecting the how are you's with pointedly asking about the other person. She holds herself together for others by talking about others.
After brunch we went back upstairs and gram said she would just check on gramp. She opened up the double door leading to the master bedroom and saw the bathroom light on. "He's been up" so she opened the bedroom door. The look on her face was hopeless. I asked if he was alright, she said no. I went in to find gramp laying flat on his back, his feet and legs sticking 2' off the end of the bed with his mouth gaping. I thought he had passed on. I went to him and rubbed his arm, it was warm, "hi Gramp, how are you?" He blinked awake and recognized me. "Oh hi, Good to see you," he said. JohnE and Lisa came in, Gram followed. She leaned on the end of the bed and began to cry. She had thought he was dead, too. The three grandkids moved gramp up to a better place in the bed, and gram wanted to let gramp sleep. We all went out, except Lisa who visited and talked with gramp for a while. He recognized her.
We spoke to gram about Adam, our cousin. She was truly fascinated to learn about what he was doing, what we talked about etc. Later she told us that a day or so after the party, gramp woke up and he was completely different. He is usually very non talkative , but he woke up and just started talking for a day and a night he relived memories. As Gram was telling us some of the things he said, she was bawling her eyes out. After his day and night of talking, he now just sleeps, and has a very hard time moving around.
What do I do? I have never had to deal so closely with this sort of thing before. I'm wondering if I should skip work and just go get a hotel room close by. I want to be there for gram. Perhaps until she can get hospice in to help her.
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